Why Steam Rooms Are Bad
by nimblnymph
Summary: Another one from the Boredom Files. Find out who has what and all that!


AUTHOR'S TIDBIT: When I can't think of something for an existing story, I get bored. Hence, a bunch of silly little pieces Like Nothing Is Impossible and All Because Of A Butterfly. This is one of those things, just something I thought up last night after too many beers and too many cheese fries with bacon and ranch dressing. YUMMY! Anyway, about this piece... Nothing special, but I'm curious how many people are going to say, "Eh?" to it. Hehe... Oh, I pulled the idea (sort of) from an episode on Reload where they're at a spa. And it firmented after my sister (who works at a health club) was telling me about the nastiness of the steam rooms.

* * *

This was by far the best pit stop yet on their journey west. Gojyo sighed, slipping lower into the mud bath as a beautiful woman massaged his shoulders. This...this had better be what heaven was like! He cracked one eye open at a sharp grunt from Hakkai. "You okay, Kai?"

"Yeah," he answered, leaning forward so the girl could work a particularly tough knot out of his back. "Good God, that's incredible!"

He never could understand Hakkai's pentiant for getting rough-as-hell massages, but, hey, if he liked it...

"What's the deal with the mud?" Goku asked, picking up a clump of it and sniffing it. "If I wanted to get dirty, I coulda just rolled around outside for free, couldn't I?"

"Shut...up," Sanzo mumbled. His eyes were closed, head back on a towel. He was the only one to decline a massage from the hot chicks. Gojyo had made a comment on maybe getting one of the doormen to administer it...and had gotten a gun in the ear. NOT the most relaxing of things to happen, but the massage was quickly making up for it. Now, if he could only find out what the girl was doing later...

"But, Sanzo, I don't get it! You always yell at me for gettin' dirty, and now here we are payin' money to sit in mud!"

"Goku, this mud is different," Hakkai explained patiently. He made a face as the woman dug in hard with her elbow and paused a second ebfore continuing. "This mud is clean. It's supposed to help you relax."

Goku stared dubiously at the mud around him, sniffing it again. "It doesn't smell clean," he mumbled. "And it doesn't make me wanna relax. It makes me wanna run around in it."

"Goddamn it," Sanzo snarled, grabbing the warm folded towel next to him. He draped it over the tub and stood up, wrapping it around his waist quickly. "How can anyone relax with your mouth running?" He left the mud room for the showers, muttering further about annoying monkeys.

"Hey, Sanzo, wait for me!" Goku grabbed his towel as well and ran after the monk, slipping around the corner as his muddy feet wouldn't take hold to the tiles on the floor.

Gojyo sighed again. Now it was nice. And quiet. No cranky-assed monk. No noisy monkey. This was... His eyes opened when the girl stopped massaging. "Hey...why'd you stop? I was just getting into it."

She smiled and bowed her waist before standing up. "Your half hour massage is done, sir. Please proceed to the showers to wash off before your visit to the steam room."

A steam room, huh? Grinning, Gojyo wrapped the towel around himself and got out of the tub of mud. "So, I don't suppose you'll be at the steam room as well, beautiful?"

Blushing and hiding her smile behind a hand, she said, "I'm not the room attendant, no."

"Aw, what a shame. Listen, if you're not doing anything later, maybe you could-,"

"I can send a femal to your room, if that's what you're asking. That doesn't happen to be one of my duties."

Gojyo blinked in surprise, but quickly recovered enough to smile and say, "Yeah, that'll be just great. Make sure she looks like you though." What a fucking brilliant place! Yep, if this wasn't heaven, when he died his ghost was coming back here to live.

Hakkai was waiting for him outside the men's showers. "I really hope Sanzo decides to stay here a few days. We could all use a break from the road, and this place is remarkable."

"You're tellin' me! I've got me a date tonight," Gojyo bragged before going into the private shower stall to wash the mud off.

Laughing, Hakkai called over the side, "That didn't take you long at all! Maybe before your date we could have a few drinks by the pool."

"Sounds like a plan to me. Hey, Kai?"

"Hm?"

"If she has a friend..." Gojyo smiled to himself as he imagined Hakkai's cheeks turning red. It was easy enough to do, and a fun past time.

"That's okay, Gojyo. I think I'll just turn in early tonight," Hakkai answered with a nervous laugh.

Gojyo finished washing and tucked the towel around his waist again. No clothing inside the steam room. No problem here! Casual nudity was never an issue with Sha Gojyo. Though, he was kind of hoping it would be with the monk and monkey. Maybe they'd skip the steam room then.

No such luck, he realized, as he went in and found the two in question already on benches. Goku was trying to get his towel to stop riding up his legs. Sanzo was sitting in a back corner with the towel draped over his lap. Smart priest, Gojyo thought. Sighing, this time in disappointment, he found a seat next to the steaming rocks.

Hakkai joined him shortly, keeping enough of a space between them so the air could circulate. There was already a fine beading of sweat forming on his skin. "My goodness, it's hot in here!"

"See, and we coulda done this in the desert," Goku muttered.

Lips twisted in a sneer, Sanzo kicked the boy hard enough to throw him off balance. "Shut your trap for two fucking minutes, will you?"

"OW! Ya didn't have to kick me that hard!"

"Damn pussy, grow up!"

"Please, both of you," Hakkai said sharply over the noise. "Just...try not to fight. And RELAX!"

No one said anything for a long time. Gojyo shifted positions so that he was stretched out across one of the wooden benches, one arm over his eyes. He was completely wiped out now. What with the initial shower, the meal, the mud bath and massage, and now this...he'd be lucky if he could entertain a woman properly tonight!

The door to the steam room opened and a male attendant came in with more water and freshly heated rocks. "Here you are, sirs," he said pleasantly. "I've also come for your towels. Fresh robes are outside for you when you're ready."

Everyone looked up at that. With only a few very close calls, they'd all managed to avoid seeing each other naked. Hakkai cleared his throat a little and asked softly, "Is that really necessary?"

"Oh, yes! You can't get the full treatment of the steam room with towels on. A proven study shows that men who indulge fully in the steam treatment perform better sexually."

"I don't really need help in that area, thank you," Gojyo said. "But, what the hell? Nothing to be embarassed about here!" He was the first to toss his towel to the kid.

"What the hell did you do to yourself?" Goku hollered.

Gojyo scowled, sitting up. "And just what do you mean by that?" He looked down. It wasn't like it was THAT uncommon a thing.

Sanzo snorted, a little smirk on his lips. "Always knew you were a waxer."

"Hey, I do it for the ladies!" Gojyo defended instantly. "Can't have anything getting stuck in their teeth, now can we?"

"EWW! Pervert!" Goku said, making a face.

Hakkai sighed and removed his towel as well. "Might as well get this over with."

Everyone, including the attendant gaped. "Uh..Kai?" Gojyo asked nervously. NEVER in a million and one years would he have thought that...

"Yes?" Hakkai asked slowly. He was trying very hard not to show he was uncomfortable.

"Uh...dude..."

"Hey, what's that thing there?" Goku asked, pointing. Sanzo smacked him in the head and was trying very hard not to stare at the object of everyone's shock. "OW! It was just a question!"

Sighing, Hakkai finally gave in to blushing, the red spreading all across his face and down his neck a ways. "I got it done years and years ago, okay? It's not that big a deal."

"I'd say it is," Sanzo finally said, again with that smirking little grin.

"Look, can we please just forget about it?" Hakkai begged.

"Just one question, Hakkai," Gojyo said, fighting the smile. He'd never even guessed his quiet room mate would be pierced...DOWN THERE! And with something that looked THAT hard-core! "Did it hurt?"

"Only a little at first. The healing process was a bitch though," the green-eyed man answered honestly. He was still very embarassed hsi secret was out.

"Damn."

The attendant cleared his throat, put on his big fake smile and turned to Goku. "And you, sir?"

Goku didn't really hesitate about it. "And I coulda done this in the desert, too," he added as he took his seat again, unaware that all the stares were now directed at him. Or, rather, further down on him. He looked up, noticed the slightly-embarassed glances and blinked. "What, what'd I do?"

"Shit...," Gojyo muttered. "That can't be normal!"

"Shh, Gojyo," Hakkai hissed, trying to get the red-head to stop staring.

The attendant had to pry his eyes away to look up at Sanzo expectantly. "Sir?"

Sanzo glanced again Goku's rather...large...surprise and tucked the edges of his towel more closely around himself. "After that show, no way in hell, kid!"


End file.
